Why my kid is crying

because dad tried to teach me how to pick a lock. #dontwannabeacriminal

because there was a weird cupcake looking thing sitting in my chair.

because mom embarrassed me by hauling me, sister, and our life belongings around on a baggage cart for 5 days.

because I did not want to sit on a throne like my queenie sister.

because mom put this hat on me. I don’t care if it’s cold, it ain’t my flow.

because mom told me I might have The Ebola. She works in news, doesn’t she understand it’s not cool to scare the general public?? Oh, wait….

because sister sat in my golf ball basket.

because this dog wouldn’t let me color her back with chalk.

because mom told me we’d be Cubs fans for life….aka, losers.

because mom put this life vest on me. Said something about keeping me from drowning…pffft, I’m like Chuck Norris, I always float.

because all of my horses lost at the track.

because mom and dad made me sit on this step next to the one-legged marshmallow man WITHOUT my laser gun. Didn’t they know that Marshmallow thing coulda killed me?

because mom thought it would be funny to include me in this weird viral trend involving a bucket of ice cold water. I would have just cut a check.

because that dog was judging my driving skillz.

because dad thought it was cute to put the ugly glasses he wears on my face.

because mom is ALWAYS trying to jam up my style with “picture time”

and again with this “picture time”

and again….this time at the pumpkin patch.

because they tried to give me these childish plastic tools for my belt. Humiliating, I tell you.

because the lid wouldn’t come off the laundry detergent. I’m just trying to get things done around here.

and, because…Santa.