Dear Eden Marie,
You were not planned. When I found out I was pregnant with you, I was upset. Selfishly, I thought to myself…”Oh, great! Here we go again.” It’s not that I didn’t want you…I just didn’t think I was ready for you right then. More importantly, I didn’t know I needed you right now.
We were living in Birmingham, AL. I had just accepted a new job anchoring and reporting for a morning show in Lexington, KY. You scared me so much. I was terrified of being sick on my new job. I feared I wouldn’t wake up at 2 am to get to work on time. I was selfish and I’m sorry. Starting a new job in a new city at a new station, after cozying into a community is hard. Anyone in the business understands that. Starting that new job with a bun in the oven…I thought would be impossible. But, I had no choice…so I took on the challenge, with you by my side.
Your dad stayed behind in Birmingham until I was 8 months pregnant with you. He couldn’t leave his job in our current situation. Right before I started my maternity leave, your dad moved to Lexington to be with me and your brother, Luke.
When you were born on Father’s Day at 4:31 in the morning…my world changed instantaneously. You were crying hysterically. Scared and cold. When the nurses placed you in my arms, I said, “hello” and you stopped crying immediately. You will never understand, until you have a child of your own. What you did at that moment touched me deep, it melted my heart, and stung my soul. I knew immediately, I didn’t want to go back to work. I wanted to wake up every morning by your side and tuck you in every night.
After 8 weeks of maternity leave, I went back to work. It was the most difficult thing I ever did. I loved being home with you and your brother. I learned something new everyday. The little things, like maneuvering a double stroller thru Target, changing diapers on the fly, remembering how many bottles to pack for our long drives in the country. I loved every minute of it and I suddenly envied every mother who was able to be with their children daily.
Your dad was home to help, but soon after his company offered him a promotion in Savannah, GA and we, as a family, couldn’t say no.
Leaving my career wasn’t a sudden decision. It was something that was in the works for many months, possibly years. You will learn there are many things in life you’ll wonder about, we all do, it’s part of being human. But leaving my job, I can now say with 100% certainty, was the very BEST decision I could have made.
Don’t get me wrong…there are many mornings I want to pour a glass of wine at 9 am and pull my hair out by 3 pm. But I never ask myself, “why did I do this?”
Both you and your brother are sick today. Your dad is at work…I’m at the house with you. The sun is shining through the Georgian Oak trees…you and your brother are knocked out after a heavy dose of meds. I’m sitting here in my sweatpants, snot running from my nose, laundry stacked up, dishes in the sink, food crumbs on the floor, and I’m thinking there isn’t any other place in the world I’d rather be.
My sweet, Eden Marie, you turn 1 next month. This year has been met with challenges and obstacles, but I look at your face every single day and I thank you. I thank you for filling our hearts with joy we never knew we were capable of obtaining. I thank you for being a friend and companion to your awesome (even though you want to punch him sometimes) big brother.
Above all, I thank you for helping me see what matters most in life…something I will spend the rest of mine attempting to repay you for.
(you like to say my name multiple times, and I’m okay with that)