IMG_3987I tiptoe down the steps without breathing. As I hold my breath, I simultaneously say a little prayer…’please don’t hear me. Please don’t see me. Please don’t smell me. Please don’t sense me. Mama needs a few minutes to decompress.’ I hear, “Mommy! Mommy! Mommyyyyyy!” Busted. 

I have a stalker. You guys, it’s full blown…no turning back. No toy serves as a restraining order. No other human is a strong enough distraction. Some days … like yesterday … the stalking is taken to a whole new level. I can’t make a move without being found.

Daddy comes home from work and it’s: “Omg! Daddy’s here…yay! We’re so excited to see you.” I walk into the kitchen. I can be alone. I can cook dinner. I can breathe. 2 minutes later, there is a tug at my leg…who am I kidding, there is a creature clinging to my legs for dear life. “Hold you! Hold you! Hold you, mommy!” My stalker grew tired of the fresh blood and came back for more.


She found me

In the midnight hour, my stalker cries more, more, more…more mommy! Sometimes I think if I don’t make eye contact I’m off the hook, but my stalker is too smart for that and will hunt me down.

I guess the best way to handle a stalker is to approach them head on. No fear. No holding back. There’s no easy way to do it, so here goes:

I have something very important to discuss with you. I want you to know there is nothing in this world that makes me happier than your attachment to me. You look at me with pure infatuation. When I’m holding you and talking with someone else, you turn my face to you. While it’s slightly rude to the person I’m chatting with, I secretly love it. You want all my attention. You want all my love. You like to see my face and touch my nose. You’re lucky your brother is independent and not much of a mama’s boy. You watch my every move. You like to put my watch on and carry a purse. You imitate my makeup, my hair styles, my hand gestures. You are my Velcro child.


Unhappy I’m holding brother

One day you’ll change. One day you’ll fight with me over clothes, friends and ugh- boyfriends! One day you’ll choose your daddy over me. One day you’ll prefer to play with your brother and the kids in the neighborhood. One day you’ll roll your eyes over something I said. One day you’ll make me feel small. But that’s not today.

So today I’ll put dinner off a little longer, I’ll read that same book for the 7th time, I’ll listen to ‘Let It Go’ like its the first time we’ve heard it, I’ll carry you through the mall even though we have a stroller, I’ll hold you for hours on the couch, and I’ll lay with you at night until you fall asleep. I’ll tiptoe down the stairs not because I don’t want you to disturb me…but because I don’t want to disturb you. One day I know you’ll wake up and not look at me the same way. But for now….that day can wait. 

Your ever loving victim 

(*You think she’ll get the hint?*)