Honest Fear Exposed

Can I be completely honest here? I am beyond terrified of what is to come in the coming days.

I’m not talking about the huge responsibility of raising three hood rats, 3 years old and under. I’m not talking about the constant crying, challenging feedings or sleepless nights newborns graciously come equipped with. I feel like all that will come back like riding a bike. Naive? Perhaps. Optimistic? I’d say.

What I am terrified of is Labor and Delivery. Anyone who says it’s easy, I’m eye rolling you right now. This is the fear that keeps me up at night. Nightmares. Night sweats. I am more horrified of labor and delivery than I am to see how this election season unfolds. Selfish? Obviously.

Historically, epidurals have not worked in my favor. I attempted one with Luke and after 7 boosts, the hospital staff gave up. He was going to be delivered naturally with no drugs. 12 hours of labor and 3.5 hours of pushing. Hell. Homeboy had a big head.

Eden came so quickly. By the time we were set to go to the hospital I was in full blown, want to blow my brains out, labor. 9.5 centimeters dilated by the time I got checked into hospital. Nurses asking me questions about allergies and I was screaming there was a baby about to fall out! Eden was born within 45 minutes. No drugs. Hell. But it went so fast.

That’s the thing about babies. All of them are different. All deliveries are different. This one will be different than the other two…but that doesn’t calm my fears. Sweating in the middle of the night from anxiety/being the size of Shamu is causing restless nights.

My husband and I have talked ad nauseum about how we can make this one easier, but in the heat of it there is really nothing you can do but pray to get through it all alive! And to deliver a healthy baby.

I’d love some help/support/kick in the a**. What about you mamas? Anyone out there choose to not have an epidural (or perhaps they don’t work)? What do you do? What helps? I know breathing techniques, and I know there is no perfect answer. However, any advice is G R E A T L Y appreciated!!


A very honest/tired/scared/nervous/sweaty/Shamu mama



  1. I’ll tell you what worked for me all 4 times. I concentrated on what every pain was accomplishing. I counted during the contraction and new when it was peaking and therefore knew when it would ease up. I also tried to envision my baby moving into position. And I tried hard to relax every muscle necessary. Sounds easier said than done I know, but it really worked at making me feel in control. Best of luck to you and no matter what the end result is a beautiful healthy baby in your arms.

    1. Gilda!!

      Thank you so much for your advice. I think concentrating on the baby is a great idea! I am going to relax. I have done prenatal yoga this time around, which helps with that. And you are so right…the end result is so worth the pain and anxiety 🙂

  2. Zero advice other than major googling ! I just wanted to say you can do it; you are stronger than you think. I tell myself that every time shit goes crazy…. When I was pushing for 3.5 hours with Maggie ( again, Luke and her are soulmates) I remember lying there pretending to be tough. So yes you are stronger than you think, but also FAKE IT TILL YOU FEEL IT!!! You’ve got this 🙂 I promise:)

    1. HAHA! I love the fake it, til you make it approach. Kelly, I am also convinced Luke and Maggie are soulmates. We must get them together one of these days when things settle down a little. And I’d love to meet those sweet twins of yours too!

  3. I did hypnobirthing!! I used the meditation techniques with boys boys… and, I know it sounds crazy and totally “out there” but it works!!! I have some books if you’d be interested! Let me know.
    But if you’ve already had both kiddos naturally with no drugs…. And you didn’t have any preparation… You are a Rockstar! You’ve got this mama!

  4. Btw… Thus is Jessica Cappuzzello!

    1. I’m excited for the books! Thanks Jessica 🙂

  5. Just be greatful you made it full term. Being a preemie Mom, I would give anything to know what it’s like to make it full term and fear labor and delivery. You got this Shan.

    1. Thanks Angela! Your daughter is beautiful though. I love watching how much she’s grown 🙂


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