‘Twas 2 nights before Christmas and this idiotic mother of 3;
decided massive grocery shopping at 5 o’clock was just the job for me.
I promised the kids cookies, if they were good and well-behaved;
But the whining started early, so with good reason, I immediately caved.
Armed now with a peppermint mocha and chocolate chip cookies in tow;
I pulled into the grocery parking lot searching for a spot high and low.
With nothing close by, of course I had to park a mile away;
I forgot everyone’s coats, so inside the heated car is where the kids begged to stay.
I finally wrangled everyone outside and into a massive race car shopping cart;
With the baby strapped to my chest, I took a deep breath… no turning back, it was time to start.
Cookies occupied the older kids and the newborn was asleep at last;
My list was short, I felt prepared, and confident this trip would be fast.
However, items for this Christmas feast started to fill the heavy cart full;
Orange juice, milk, ham, eggs, wine, and ginger beer for Moscow mules.
I noticed I was out of breath, and unfortunately starting to sweat;
The cart was slowing down, impossible to push, and the kids were starting to fret.
At a 90 degree angle, huffing and puffing, we were becoming quite the sight to see;
And then I heard the words every mom hates to hear; “Mommy! I have to pee!”
The bathroom was at the other end of the store and we had to get there quick;
The kids were crying for water and now claiming they were feeling sick.
Eye rolling through the store, we pulled up to the bathroom and my son went in;
I helped my daughter get a drink of water but she slipped out of my hands and headfirst in the fountain she fell in.
Soaking wet and crying, I finally got her to settle down;
Just as my son came out, I saw some people I knew from my small hometown.
I looked down, ducked and shoved the cart before making eye contact;
Turning around, I pulled the cart as fast as I could to the cheese section way in the back.
The kids found this a perfect time to sing loudly the festive tune of Jingle Bells;
At this point I’m texting my husband begging him to leave work early and help save me from this living hell.
We made it to the cheese when the cart got completely wedged in between the muffins and wine;
an employee from the deli section had to help pull the cart out, and knocked over a giant Happy Holidays sign.
Embarrassed and cursing myself in my head this is the stupidest thing I’ve ever done;
The food aisles were jam packed so I tried to hide out until my husband could come.
My son grabbing food, my daughter climbing out of the cart, my newborn screaming, people staring in disbelief;
Suddenly, the heavens opened and with tears of joy I spotted my husband with an immediately sigh of relief.
We checked out, loaded up the car and I zoomed out of there faster than the speed of light;
With that place in my rearview mirror, I never looked back, or slowed down until it was completely out of sight.
During Christmas dinner, I told this horror story to my family who all had a good laugh;
I assured them the sacrifice…I seriously thought I’d die for this meal’s behalf.
So, let this be a lesson learned for all to know, hear and see…
Two days before Christmas, the grocery store is the very last place you will find me!