Things Moms Say

It recently dawned on me that I am becoming a broken record. Sure, I’ve always said certain things repeatedly:

Don’t touch that!
Don’t pick your nose!
No, I’m not wiping your butt.
Inside voices, pleeeease! 

But recently, I’ve noticed I don’t actually mean what I’m saying. Stick with me here, as I drummed up my top 10 sayings, the Sh*t Moms Say and what we actually mean.

1. Go ask your dad. Listen kids, I don’t have an answer to that ridiculous question, so dear ol’ dad is going to have to take one for the team. These words leave my mouth at least 5 times a day. And when dad is at work, I’ say: You’ll have to ask your dad when he gets home.
2. Be there in a minute. Bluntly speaking, I’m not coming… so please just forget what you consider so dire.
3. We’ll see. No. I’m really sorry but we are definitely not doing that…ever.
4. Get up. You’re fine. Please for the love of all things holy stop crying, get up, and let’s go already! You’re not bleeding, you’re not dying… please get up!
5. We’re gonna be SO late! Alright, half of this is true. We’re late to everything because you insist on putting your own shoes on and zipping up your coat. We’re not going to be THAT late… but if you don’t get in the freaking minivan and let mom buckle you up, this mama is gonna blow a gasket.
6. Can I have some privacy? Geez-us kid, can you just give me 5 minutes to get dressed? Five freaking minutes is all I ask for, 10 would be paradise, but I’ll settle for 5.
7. Because I said so. My dearest offspring, please shut the hell up. The answer is no and I don’t have to give you a reason beyond I’m the mom and the boss.
8. Maybe tomorrow. Nope. Sorry kid, it’s not happening tomorrow either. But if you actually remember and ask me again in 24 hours I promise to give it a serious thought before I say no.
9. I’m not mad. That’s a lie. I’m fuming. I’m like Maleficent when she turns into a fire breathing dragon. Can’t you tell by my tone!?! I am FURIOUS.
10. I love you and I’m so proud of you. The one thing that means exactly what I say. I love you kids, more than anything in this entire world and you make me so incredibly proud. Even when we’re late, you’re swarming me like a pack of wolves, you’re asking me 10,983 questions, you’re whining, you’re fighting, you’re crying due to your fake fall. Yes, dear wee ones I still love you to the moon and back a million times over.

What are some things you say on a daily basis to your kids??