Today has been a tough day.
9:15am: I shared my story on my blog and IG. I thought by sharing my story I would feel better, but at this time, I don’t. I think I might even worse. It’s nothing anyone has said at all. I just feel exposed, and while that usually doesn’t bother me … maybe this time it does. Regardless, there is no turning back now. So here we go.
10:30am: I have decided to venture out of the house to go to the Dollar Store to grab some small Halloween items for some neighbors. We do the whole “Boo Your Neighbor” thing and just my luck we got “Boo’d” the same day I miscarried.
But first I am going to drop Luke off to golf. That kid amazes me. He practices every single day. Most of the time for an hour, sometimes for 3 hours, sometimes he plays 27 holes. His dedication is unmatched, and I am so proud of him. Eden is at school so I will just have the little boys with me. So far, I have not cried today.
10:45am: Adam has been a pistol pretty much from the moment we left the driveway. He’s now screaming he doesn’t want to go to the library ever again because he doesn’t want Jude to get a shark book because sharks are “his thing” and no one else can like them.
Library will be visited later, maybe the Dollar Store will cheer him up. I let the boys take $1 from their piggy bank to buy this toy gun they’re hoping to find.
As we were checking out the line got very long. I didn’t expect to spend more than $15, which is the cash I brought inside the store… but my total ended up being $34. No big deal, but my card was in the car. At the same time I realized I didn’t have my card, the cashier had to scan the car Jude was clinging onto for dear life. She frightened him, not because she was scary person but because he’s scared of every single stranger on earth. Thanks covid.
Guys, now I can’t stop crying. Jude is so upset and the cashier trying to get him to stop by saying things like: “Jude, I can’t work like this.” It was just her tone that got me. Also, please don’t speak to my child when I’m holding him and trying to calm hime down. I rarely get upset in public, but my emotions are so raw. So I ran outside to get my card even though I told the cashier to cancel my order out so I didn’t have to make all these people behind me wait. Well, she didn’t. So when I walked back into the store with my screaming child everyone looked at me so annoyed.
I would typically apologize profusely but I just didn’t have it in me today, so I checked out and walked out the door and sat in my sweet ass minivan for 10 solid minutes crying. Adam just thought I had a bellyache, that’s what I’ve been telling the kids – so he suggested we go home and I drink some water.
I picked Luke back up at the range and made a quick stop at the library, multiple shark books in tow, and we headed home.
12pm-5:30pm: it’s all kind of a blur. I honest to God don’t know what I did for 5 1/2 hours. I think I blacked out. I cried. I received multiple texts and messages and care packages and phone calls. I cried until my eyes burned. The kids sat in front of the tv all day long watching Star Wars and I didn’t care one bit. They ate junk and popcorn and who knows what else until Jeff got home.
I cried and cried and cried and cried and cried a little bit more. I can’t even go into the full details of what all was bothering me, even beyond the pain of losing a baby. I felt very alone, even though I had almost every single person I know reaching out. I should have had someone sit with me, but I also didn’t want anyone to sit with me. I don’t think I ate anything but Halloween candy and cranberry juice. I honestly don’t remember eating any kind of meal or drinking water.
6pm: Jeff returns and has to navigate some really rough waters with my emotions. There is nothing he can say that won’t open the flood gates. So he makes me dinner and cleans the house, because he knows that will make me happy. I’m not sure when the last time my kids ate a substantial meal was. I don’t even know what they had for dinner tonight… cereal maybe, snickers bars maybe?
6:30pm: I drop Eden off at ballet and for the first time in God knows how long, I am finally alone sitting in my car. I cry for 35 solid minutes until I feel as though I’m going to be physically ill. My head is pounding, my stomach is turning, if I don’t stop crying I will throw up on the side of the road next to my minivan. That’ll be a sight.
7:05pm: I decide to suck it up and walk inside ballet to watch Eden’s Nutcracker rehearsal. You all… she is SO TALENTED!!!!!!! I am so incredibly proud of her and the lead role she landed for this year’s Nutcracker. I love her so very much. I’m so thankful I had the opportunity to watch her, and I’m so glad I was able to hold it together long enough to enjoy.
7:40pm: I sit with Jeff and we talk and talk and talk and talk some more. I cry some more. And then we go to bed talking and we will talk again in the morning.
Tomorrow is a new day.
Tomorrow might be a better day, or it might not… and that’s okay.