One-week post miscarriage.
It’s Tuesday. This time last week I started miscarrying our 5th child.
Some days are better than others, and some hours feel like they drag on for weeks. Today is not a good day. I’ve cried a lot today and felt pretty worthless. I am not good alone with the kids right now. Not because they are in harm’s way, but I’m not able to keep my mind off the circumstances to be a good parent.
Not since my car accident 10 years ago have I relied on Jeff more than I do now. When he’s home with me I feel as though I’m completely healed. He’s been such a gem. Making all the dinners, cleaning the dishes, doing the laundry, handling bedtime, helping Eden get on and off the bus, taking Luke to golf, playing with the little kids, taking over bath time and so much more.
I feel as though I’ve been worthless, but that’s okay. I am much better now than I was a week ago.
I’m not 100% okay, but that is 100% okay.
I have been so unbelievably overwhelmed with gifts, texts, messages and love. I repeat: I did not share my story for the attention. In fact, I’ve cried so many tears because I did share my story. I question it every single day and kind of wish I never did share, but Jeff keeps reminding me that I can’t take it back…it’s out there and hopefully it’s working for the greater good for someone who needs to hear my words.
I go back to the doctor this Friday for another checkup and ultrasound. I’m not looking forward to that. I’m sure that will be emotional, I will be alone for that appointment and pray I will be able to hold it together.
I have learned a lot during the last 7 days. I have realized I would love to have another baby, even though it might not be in the cards for us. I have realized that life is so precious. I have hugged my kids more in the last 7 days than I have in the last month. They know I’m not doing great, but they haven’t asked questions. Luke knows more than the others do and he’s hugged me more than he usually does. He is not a “physical touch” person so I know the affection means even more coming from him.
The other night I took the kids to the Columbus Blue Jackets game and Eden said to me, “Mommy! You are so happy!” And I genuinely was. So happy to be alone with the kids at a fun sporting event. But then the next day the emotions flooded me again like a tidal wave. Someone recently compared grief to a tsunami and until my miscarriage I never truly understood that comparison.
It’s Wednesday now. A new day. I woke up tired and not thrilled to face the day, but I booked a tv spot because working helps me cope.
It was the greatest thing I could have done. The host read my blog posts and was very kind and asked me before we went on-air if I’d be okay talking about it. It took me aback, but that’s why I chose to share… to reach at least one more person who is struggling with the pain of baby loss. We ended up talking for about 30 minutes. We talked about my miscarriage, we talked about how women feel embarrassed or ashamed or guilty for their loss. We talked about how our society portrays baby loss and we also touched on a subject I am very passionate about.
It’s very important to me that you know what you see on social media is simply a highlight reel. It’s easy to get wrapped up in social media, following beautiful families with perfect hair and gorgeous clothing posing in a clean house and think they have it all…but it’s not always real.
It’s important that you understand that everyone you follow is a human who suffers pain and endures loss and sheds real tears.
You are not alone.
When I read about what Sara Blakely did for her Spanx employees I cried. I wish I could hand over 2 first class tickets and $10k to everyone I could. I wish I could hand that over to every woman suffering a loss. That is real impact and influence. However, I’m not anywhere near that kind of financial freedom, so I will continue using what God gave me: my words and ability to write. Through the talents He has blessed me with, I hope I can serve a purpose and impact as many lives as I possibly can.
Love you all 💛