Will You Be My Mom-Friend?

It occurred to me recently that I don’t have a ton of friends. Stick with me here. I have a lot of friends from my past. I have an amazing family who oftentimes double as my best friends. I have former co-workers who are a call or text away. And I live in a kick ass neighborhood with lots of little rug rats zooming around on bikes and scooters.

But as for the ultimate “mom-friend”…I mean, the stick with you in the trenches of blowouts and temper tantrums, I don’t have a ton. Why? I think it’s because I’m picky. Finding a true mom-friend is like dating on steroids….but with the extra baggage of 2-4 ex’s (ie…the needy children).

It got me thinking of a list of characteristics one would need to be a true mom-friend of mine. Remember way back when, when you wrote out your dream guy’s qualities? Here’s my dream mom-friend. See if you fit the mold, or can at least relate.

  • Be real. This is the most important characteristic in my book. Cut the crap. Cut the “look how perfect my children are.” Cut the “#besthusbandever” b.s. Just freaking be real. See this pic I shared with this blog post? I legit didn’t have anyone to take it, so it’s fuzzy. My hair is frazzled. I’m carrying two bottles of wine and a baby, because real life.
  • Be chill, no high energy please. I have enough energy radiating off my three young children on the reg. 
  • Enjoy wine. And if you’re not a wine drinker, please don’t judge me when I go for the 2nd or 3rd glass. Raising kids is hard work.
  • While we’re on the subject of judging, let’s just toss out the white wigs. I judge myself enough already. I don’t need you, as a friend, judging me too.
  • Don’t get upset when I cancel. I’m tired. Like really, REALLY tired.
  • Don’t get upset if I accidentally leave you off an invite. Please know it’s not intentional, I probably just forgot. Because, I am REALLY tired.
  • On the same note, don’t comment about how fun it must’ve been. Or if I suddenly remember to invite you, don’t feel like an afterthought…I legit just forgot, because once again, I haven’t slept in 4 years. 
  • Don’t call. Let’s just text. Unless we set up a phone date and have a bottle of wine to share over the phone. 
  • You post a lot of crap on social media, which I’m cool with. However, I’m gonna pretend like I didn’t see it, because it’s so much more fun to hear it from you. 
  • Likewise, when I post a hilarious story (even if you don’t think it’s funny) just humor me and allow me to tell it again when I see you. I like to make you laugh. 
  • Your husband can’t be a douche. I want to have double dates with you dammit!
  • If my kids are acting horrible, scold them. I’m okay with that. I expect them to respect you.
  • My house isn’t always going to be clean. If yours is, I’ll feel like you’re trying too hard. Let’s just be equals here.
  • I appreciate your hustle. No matter what your job is…even if it’s just chasing the toddlers, I want you to know I support you in your ventures. It’d be cool if you supported me in mine.
  • We can vent, but let’s not fall down the rabbit hole of gossip. Let’s vent and then move on to something more positive…like what it’s going to be like to be empty nesters.
  • Let’s plan a trip together. Or at least a night away at a hotel to eat, drink and be merry. I think we both need that. Don’t make me feel like a bad mother for leaving my children at home. I NEED a break. WE need a break.
  • If we haven’t talked in awhile, shoot me a text. Let’s grab coffee. Let’s not act like it’s been forever…. let’s just catch up right where we left off.

We are an unique group of individuals trying to raise these tiny humans. Support me, and I promise to support you. 

I’d love to hear your qualities for that dream mom-friend. Let’s hear them, ladies!boat 2

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Shanisty is a former award winning journalist who left the news business to chase her rug rats for a living. She shares real, raw and personable stories focusing on the ups and downs of parenting. Sign up to never miss a post!

58 thoughts on “Will You Be My Mom-Friend?

  1. Oh my gosh!! I think your qualities in a mom are exactly mine!!! Everything you said resonated with me!! I feel like so many moms out there that I have tried to be mom friends with, it’s like everyone is trying too hard to maintain an image and it’s hard to get real with someone then!! One day I will find my mom-bestie.

    1. You will!! I just think being “real” is the best we can do and hope some friends see that, appreciate that, and relate to that. Thanks for the message…I’m finding there are a lot of moms out there looking for the same things we are.

      1. Shanisty (great name!) : Today’s spirit animal. You are singing the song of my people!
        Favorite: Your husband can’t be a douche. I want to have double dates with you dammit!

        2 cents: This song is called “Don’t ask me.” Forget inquiring if I’ve seen the latest episode of Game of Thrones, Bachelorette, or The Real House Wives of Southern Mars County. You know I haven’t (besides, I like documentaries. You know, something above the IQ level of an animated talking head.) If you’re close to me, you know I don’t have cable. Why pay for it? I only see the TV when I’m playing Sophia the First for the 18 thousandth time. Unless you’re going to make new lyrics up with me to the intro of Animaniacs, keep your spoilers to yourself when I can finally binge watch whatever show I used to like. Bring a puzzle or board game and a bottle of wine, then toss the damn remote over the balcony. End of song.

      2. BRYSTAL (also great name!) FOR THE WIN!!!! I too have never seen Game of Thrones, Real Housewives or Bachelorette. I think I’d rather watch paint dry. We mainly watch Netflix (but who the hell am I kidding, I don’t have time to watch any TV, period.) I love that you shared this with me, and I feel like we really are spirit animals. Keep on doing you, mama! xx

    2. I love this…and would be my exact mom friend app as well. I am a lover of wine as is my only mom friend. She and i both have 3 boys, so i think we bonded over wine and talking about how exhausting momming our boys is. The wine helps a lot lol. We have a motto that wine makes everything better. I am a recluse most of the time so thats one of my huge obstacles in making more mom friends. That and we are low income as of now…so i end up feeling “not up to par”. My hubby is a sweet heart and hilarious, and good at dragging me out of my shell so he is definitely not duchy lol. A plus is my oldest are 13…twins and of babysitting age. They are good at watching their little brother. I said good not great lol. I think they would be better with kids their not related to, maybe. I hope tou find the mom your looking for. I could use another mon friend as well. Good luck to us both.

      1. I love your story, Erin, thanks for sharing! OMG I so look forward to the days when my oldest son can babysit. haha. It must be nice to have a glass (or many glasses) of wine with your bestie and not be so worried your child has gone missing. haha. Stick with the one bestie you have… you only need one! To hell with the rest, and thanks for sharing your story with me. ❤

    3. Love your post! My mom bestie moved to the east coast O am able to fly there once or twice a year as it is easier for me to get away with teenagers at home while her nest or still full of littles. She is so much like the mom friend you wrote about we both hate talking on the phone and if one of us does not text the other back for a day or so after a text is received no offense is taken.When she was here we would grocery shop together,can together and support each other through fights with spouses or naughty children.I have women I consider friends but no one can take the place of a best friend.

      1. I love this Allison! Especially the fact that you would grocery shop together! Man, I’d love to have a grocery buddy. haha. For now, my oldest fills that void. So happy you all are able to connect a few times a year. Thanks for sharing your story.

  2. If I’m around my dream “mom-friend”, I don’t want to feel the need to apologize for my little devil’s inability to share toys. She would just understand and not pretend like her rugrat is some kind of expert at sharing! #noapologies

    1. I am all on board for the #noapologies hashtag train. Boom! My rug rat didn’t share, sorry. Life is tough and don’t expect me to share my wine. I’m kidding, of course…..

      Thanks for sharing!

    1. Why thank you, Kelly! Be real and forgiving. I feel like that should be made into a sweatshirt. I found one recently I fell in love with as well… it simply says: “Sorry I’m late. I didn’t want to come.” Also very real. haha.

  3. I hate the “let’s get together” and then we never do. Honestly, my best friend just brings her kids over for pizza on a Friday night, it’s such an easy friendship. She told me last week.. “you know how I know you are my real friend?! … you go eat lunch with us and my kids act crazy, then you call and want to go eat with us again!”… Now that’s true friendship. Another one of my friends meets me about 3 times a month on our lunch breaks. We chat over burgers or get our nails done. We just recently started doing this and it has been such a joy to visit with a friend so often. We also made a rule about no gossip, we just chat about what’s going on in our lives and with our kids. This friendship is really blossoming too. Hope you find that mom-friend you need.

    1. HAHA! I love the “you got to eat with us and then want to go again.” I have to admit, I do have a few great mom-friends…but they really are hard to find. It’s like awkwardly dating. I’m so happy you have some great ones! Thanks for sharing your story.

    2. I used to be surprised when my friend would still want to do things with us and still invite us over because I know my boys can be crazy!! Ive recently told her she’s a “marble jar friend.” (Look it up-It’s from an Brene Brown book.) she’s just so seeet and so caring. She likes me for who I am, not what I can pretend to be.

  4. Be honest….my mom- friend can’t be afraid to tell me that I need a break, look like crap, gained weight….and if she asks then she needs to respect my truthful answer.

  5. My “dream mom friends” are people who can pick up a conversation that got stopped 8 months ago and start it again like there’s been no break in between. A mom that is very inclusive of the types of people she allows into her circle. A mom who can very comfortably join my quite large group of friends with no kids and still hold a engaging conversation with people who do not share the bond of child rearing. A mom who can join in and celebrate my Pintrest successes and laugh out loud at the failures. Be real, and love with their whole heart.

    1. I love this Ashley! You have such a beautiful family and it sounds like you’ve made some amazing friends along the way. Be real, and love with their whole heart…perfect ❤

  6. I love mom friends who definitely pick back up where we left off. Sometimes it’s a week, sometimes longer. We are all busy and exhausted and it’s hard enough keeping up with my husband sometimes! So glad I met you – although I hope you forgive my high energy sometimes (blame the 4th cup of coffee!)

  7. This made my day! I must also add that my mom friend can’t have a Mr. Mom for a husband. He needs to be as inept at keeping the kids as my own husband in order for me to not despise her husband. True story, one time my mom friend and I went on a girls night out. When she got home, her house had been cleaned, the kids were fed a healthy dinner and put to bed with pajamas and brushed teeth. The perfect little family. When I got home, my kids were asleep……with chocolate rings around their mouths from junk food, still in their play clothes, and I briefly panicked when I opened the door to the house because I thought we had been robbed. My hubby let the kids ransack my purse, kitchen drawers, and everything they shouldn’t have their little hands on, stringing the contents all over the kitchen floor.

    1. HAHAHAH! I literally spit out my coffee reading this. One very important note…. your children were alive! I bet they had one helluva night, as I’m sure you did too. But I agree Leslie, we gotta be able to share some dirt on how our husbands aren’t nearly as awesome as we are. Thanks for sharing!

    2. Yes, this absolutely! If your husband is perfect I’m vomiting on the inside. I’d like to be able to share my hubby woes a bit as a form of “real life” bonding. But not so much that the couples game night isn’t awkward haha. Plus I always can use a reminder that my hubby isn’t perfect and that’s okay. It’s easy to get off track when there are so many Instagram husbands. When I asked about how a picture was captured on Instagram and was told it was her hubby standing on a ladder I died a little. Maybe it’s time for mom friends to help a sister out lol. There’s always camera remotes for backup I guess 😉😊

      1. HAHA! I’m vomiting inside at the perfect husband too. It doesn’t exist, and the ladies who claim theirs are the best are hiding something. No dude is that great. They all have flaws, and we do too. We just don’t always have to admit it. 🙂 Oh…. and the standing on the ladder….. guilty. I tried to make my husband do that before for IG, and he laughed in my face. hahaha. Thanks for sharing Chelsea, and march on mama!

  8. Your list is just about perfect for me, especially the multiple wine references and even more importantly, don’t call me, text. I don’t have the energy to talk on the phone lol! One thing I would add for me is you can’t be the “I can do everything” kind of mom. I have friends who are. I love them but as a bestie, that is just exhausting.

    1. Oh girl. I’m more of the “I do the bare minimum, mom” because as I referenced 3 times…. I’m frikin tired! haha. And yes, wine and more wine for the win

  9. I remember one of my best friends making a comment years back. It was something critical of another woman, probably a mom, that ended with: “like I need anymore friends.” This seems like a big issue now that I’m a mom a decade later. People get so short on time they may stop welcoming new friends and close their circles. Some have family in the area and don’t actually need more support. I think I’ve finally met some fellow moms who want more friends and hope they are also mellow and can’t keep up with all the mess and can talk about the easy and hard things we all face. My ideal mom bestie will be funny, loyal, a little sarcastic and also sensitive and loving to any kid around her. Dreaming of that family who can join us on vacations but until then, I’ve got my sister even if hundreds of miles away.

    1. I love this Marci! It’s so hard to make friends the older we get and the more complicated our lives become. But I never feel the need to close the circle. I feel like we were put here to grow and expand and learn as much as we can, no matter how busy our lives get. We have a family we vacation with…but they live in Alabama. They’re our best family friends for life. I also am very blessed to have my cousin (sister) and her family here in Columbus. You will find that family! Have faith mama 🙂

  10. I’m 43 years old with 2 adult daughters (23 and 19) and now I have a 2, almost 3, year old son. My problem is most women with toddlers are young enough to be my daughter themselves. Lol. I’m very real. I’ve done the perfect mom thing and it’s a living hell. This time around I’m never concerned with what the other moms think of me. My adult children have turned out pretty amazing so I did something right. My little man is a really sweet and pretty well behaved kid about 90% of the time…but it’s that 10% of the time he can be a real jerk. Lol.
    My BFF has no kids and never will. She has 5 cats so it’s all good. I am grateful to my son because he’s a social butterfly. This little guy sits in breweries with my BFF, my husband, & myself for 4 hours or more. No judging…I drink water. 😏
    He loves it as much as we do. He has been going since he was 3 weeks old. He even give cheers with his sippy cup of apple juice…organic of course. I can’t tell you how many people have approached our table to compliment how nice Grayson is and how amazed they are at the fact he sits that long. What can I say? The kid never meets a stranger and chats up with anyone willing to talk to him. He gets it from me.
    Given my age I don’t have a lot of mom friends but I retained my relationship with my BFF and I thank God she stuck around after Grayson came into the picture.
    I also have a group of fb mom friends I couldn’t live without. We went through our pregnancies and now are watching our kids grow together. We’ve flew across the country to be together. Pretty sure this group of women are lifers with me. ❤️
    I love your article and your criteria for a mom friend is on point. We need to lift each other up, never tear each other apart.

    1. Kim,

      I love your story! Thank you so much for sharing and being honest yourself. And kudos for you for attempting this mom thing so many years after your children have grown! I don’t know how you find the energy, but when you do find it…can you pass along your secret?! Grayson sounds like such a little gentleman. I bet he loves being around you guys when you’re out and about. I was an only child, and was dragged around to lots of long dinners as a child. My parents always told me it taught me so much about manners and interacting with other adults. I’m so happy you’ve found your tribe of mamas too… and I can’t agree more with your last sentence. “We need to lift each other up, never tear each other apart.” AMEN!

      1. I have to admit Grayson was a total shock. I honestly thought he was menopause. 😬
        We had given up the thoughts of another kid many MANY years before the shock of those 6 home pregnancy tests I took before telling my husband to stop planning for that dream vacation.
        We never ever would’ve planned another baby this late in life but OMG it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to us. I’m exhausted but feel younger…until people ask us about our “grandchild”. 🤣
        Seriously, Grayson is living proof that God has a sense of humor. He’s the blessing we never asked for but sure are thankful we got.

  11. When I found my most recent mom friend and invited her out on a “date”, when she responded yes I was like a giddy jr. high girl telling my husband all about her. I even called him after the date to tell him all the wonderful things/ awkward things that happened. Finding kindred spirits is hard!!

    Big thing on my list is that if a mama chooses to stay home with her kids, she can’t complain to me ALLLLL the time about how horrible they are. Kids are the worst sometimes, but I also want to hear about how awesome my mom friends lives are! Bad days (weeks, months) happen, but I have a two year old and a lovely (but exhausted) husband- I have enough negativity in my life! I want to hear about the crap, but within reason!

    1. I can totally relate to the being giddy when you find a solid mama friend. It’s like… play it cool, play it cool… but they’re so damn perfect for me! Like I said, dating on steroids.

      And yes, cut the negativity. Venting is fine, but there’s gotta be a limit. If a mom is a constant downer, she’s out the door. I have enough bagging hanging all over my in the form of three tiny humans…I don’t need hers too! Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Means a lot 🙂

  12. Everything you described sounds like you are a mom friend soul mate. I don’t call, I text. Please correct my kids when they are asses. We need breaks away from our kids and husbands. Even if I don’t like it, I’ll drink the wine because, wine makes you feel just fine. Last but not least, I am so freaking tired!!!😂

  13. This is crazy to me! Most of my friends from adolescents married & became Moms while I was still figuring out where I should be. Then, I met my husband and got my insta-family since he had a 4 year old daughter (amd ex-step-7 year old son). But having missed those years as a bio-mom I’ve yet to connect with my “old” friends as a Mom. It hurts, a lot, admitted, but it’s also hard to create new relationships based on who & where I am now. But I still feel lucky enough, that my now 9 year old (step) daughter, is the light of my life and she & I do pretty much everything together. I do wish I had “that” friend though. It’s weird, but I feel like I’m missing something not having someone to share it with… And so is she!

    1. Awww, but how special, Paige, to have your daughter as a bestie! My daughter is only 3, and I so look forward to those days when we can do fun things together like get our nails done or go to a movie and shopping. She’s little young for that yet. Don’t worry about not having a mom bestie yet, I bet she’ll come along when you least expect it! hugs xx

  14. I think we are spirit animals!!! I get so irritated when I see old friends of mine including one of my siblings on facebook telling everyone how terrific their husbands are when I really know that two are in the middle of an ugly divorce. I feel if you have to put it in writing who are you trying to convince? Me? or yourself. I too have been in search of the perfect mom friend and I am still trying she may not be out there, but someone who does not judge me because I am having a terrible time getting my 4 year old to potty train and stay accident free for more than a day. Or when I forget to brush my hair to tell me I still look nice. I was not the smart one who had my children close in age when I had my first child I was the young mom and when I had my second I was the old mom. (My children are 9 years apart) so now I have one in high school where I am the super young mom and one in elementary school where most of the moms there were born when I graduated high school. Maybe my wineglass will be my friend?? By the way can you tell me what your shirt in the post says? For the life of me I cannot figure it out.

    1. Beth!!! You speak my love language. If you have to share how wonderful your husband is on social media, you’re full of shit. Sorry, but it’s so true. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m okay with a happy anniversary post….but if you constantly post pics of a boutique of flowers…I know you bought them and not your significant other. boom.

      Dont’ worry about being the super young or old mom. I’d stick with the moms you feel comfortable with! And if you haven’t found her yet, you will. Keep on mommin’, mama! xx

      P.S. My shirt says, “I like you, but I love Bozeman.” — we vacation in Montana every year, and well that shirt just fit everything about me. haha.

  15. Wow! This article couldn’t have come at better time… I am so lonely. But I am not alone- ever. I have f i v e kids and two bonus kids (my hubby came with 2, I with 3 & we added 2 more!) I resigned from my teaching job after we got married to get pregnant and so I could stay home with the newbie. Easier said than done…well getting knocked up was pretty easy 😉
    But essentially I started over, my first three were all in school with the youngest being in 1st grade. I didn’t and still don’t have any mom friends going through anything remotely similar, in fact most were sending their oldest off to college, including my two bonus kids are in college. And any moms who I do meet or know- have been married once and have no clue what a combined family means and since people don’t like what they don’t understand; therefore in lies – judgement. So I recluse at home with my two youngest. I’m also, not a social media type, in fact I shut down my fb account almost 4 years ago. I only recently figured out insta and I didn’t realize it was more about getting likes and followers than just sharing random pictures and when did the pound sign become the hashtag? Reading your article really resonated with me and made me wonder, why are so many mom’s sans mom friends? For now, my hubby fills in that role, shopping, chick flicks, fellow wine drinker, etc. But surprisingly he doesn’t complain too much. Anyhow, I said all that to say I really enjoyed your piece. I also enjoyed your beautiful Ohio pics, makes me look forward to our trip there next month for our anniversary trip- we’ve never been. (Found a really great deal on airline tickets and booked them on whim.) And it’s one of my goals is to visit all 50 states. Okay, I’m rambling now- your article was great and right on point. Cheers!

    1. Wow! What a story. First of all, thank you for sharing… it’s still so amazing to me how hard it is to meet mom-friends. One of the best things you said was people don’t like what they don’t understand; therefore in lies – judgement. Judgement is hard. As my husband says, we all judge each other…how we do it is what is important. I completely understand the sans social media. Social media is pretty fake anyway…I use it to share stories, which is what I love to do…but so many accounts are superficial. I still don’t understand why some moms try so hard!

      I love that your husband is supportive. mine is too. we spend a LOT of time together, I’m actually working on a blog post on why I decided to put him first. At the end of the day, it’s going to be you two…together, so it’s so awesome you have that great foundation.

      I can’t believe you’re visiting Ohio! It’s so pretty in the fall. What part?

      Thanks again for sharing your story. Stay strong mama! xx

  16. Awe- I like the end of the day, it’s going to be you two together. plus or minus a kid or two 😉 Thank you.
    I can’t believe it either! It was during a coupon-beast moment. Found a deal for $29 airline tickets and the only one for our city was to Cincinnati, OH. Asked the hubs if he wanted to go to Cincinnati, he said of course and I started to fill out the reservation page like a maniac- afraid it was going to disappear at any moment (coupon-beast rational) and busted out the credit card, like they were selling 5cents pancakes. It wasn’t until I hit the confirmation page (coupon-beast is gone at this point) that I looked up and asked- where exactly is Cincinnati again and what are we going to do when we get there…? :0 hahaha, in the end I’m looking forward to some just-us time and meeting new places & faces. We don’t really have fall season here in Texas, so hearing that is like adding butter to my biscuit!

  17. Love this. It holds true to me totally. Except I don’t have any friends or family unfortunately. Except for my baby of course. Im trying to meet people but it seems like I’m out of luck. Maybe one day!

  18. Love the list! I would add that I need someone who doesn’t post #blessed. So help me if I see that one more time. How about #shutthefup. I love when wonderful things happen to someone’s family but I just can’t handle the #blessed that’s usually followed by a new car or kitchen remodel that took longer than expected. Your no douchey husbands is the best! When finding a new mom bestie you’re really trying to match up the whole family not just the moms. Good luck mommas!

      1. I just read it….I love number 7 about the roses and the last one when husbands come home early 😂 I look forward to reading more of your articles!

  19. Once you get past the toddler years, and the kids start dressing, and feeding and mostly entertaining themselves, you start to believe you’ve got a pretty good handle on this parenting thing.
    And then they turn 12, and the tweenage is just a hint of things to come during puberty and teen years. I am standing on that threshold. I really do need mom friends, even if your kids aren’t as old as mine. I still have reasons to enjoy a glass or three of wine or a night away from the eye rolls and slamming doors.

    1. Oh no!!! Becky, I totally dread the teenage years. My daughter is already sassy as hell. I cannot even imagine what she will be like at 13 sandwiched in between two brothers. Oy. I will need lots and lots and LOTS of wine! Cheers xx

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